Letting Go

I’m sharing this next entry with you because there are those out there that can relate to my story and I want you to know that Yahweh through His Son Yahushua can bring healing and deliverance. It wasn’t until I surrendered completely to the will of Yahweh that I was free from depression, guilt, shame, fear, and anger.

I would like for you to listen to this song.  

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=loved%2fby+jj+heller&FORM=VIRE3#view=detail&mid=D9FC2E067BC8C987E2C7D9FC2E067BC8C987E2C7

I feel like this is me. I did lose out on my childhood and my innocents was taken from me. I was abandoned and neglected by most my family BUT because I have faith in Yahweh and believe that His plan is bigger for me, I could let it all go. At some point you just have to acknowledge your pain so the enemy can’t keep you in oppression. Freedom does come by letting go and opening up your heart to the Father’s love. I couldn’t do it without Him. I need Him and I need Messiah. And I am loved!

So here we go…..

At one time and as crazy as it was; my mom’s first marriage she had four children; Mike, Randy, Todd and Connie, then she married my dad and had Pam and me. Last she married Mac, he already had four children; Dan, Maureen, Theresa and Jeanne. My Dad married Julie, she had Frankie and Aaron from her second marriage, when she married my dad, they had Kimberly.  That made 13 of us!

My dad had custody of my sister and me. I have very fond memories of living with my dad before he married Julie. He was a truck driver so we had the opportunity to travel with him. I remember being in the warehouse with my dad, he would give us a ride on the forklift, we really enjoyed that! That was probably the only time in my childhood that I can remember joy, peace and feeling protected.

Just a couple of years later I was raped by my step brother and sexually abused by another. I never had a safe place in the house, no matter where I went they would find me. Things happened in the family room, dining room, my bedroom. I had to get something out of the van once and I was even followed out there.  They would torment me by drilling holes in the walls and watch me, there were holes in my closet wall and both bathrooms. I would stuff toilet paper in them only to have them pushed out.

The summer after my sixth grade year, my dad sent me to Arizona to visit his side of the family. I returned home just a few days before entering the 7^th grade and it didn’t take long before things got even worse in the house. I was brought to Four North twice for depression, thoughts of suicide and anorexia. One of my friends reported the sexual abuse to the school liaison officer but I denied it. Not only was I afraid to have my parents find out but I believed the lie that it was my fault.

At the end of the school year, I flew back to Arizona but this time to stay with my sister Connie and her husband. I spent many nights watching them get high with their friends. My sister was so paranoid that I was telling on her, she slapped me across the face once. I was 12. When Larry thought I was going to turn them in, he sat me down on the couch and told me that I was going to get high whether I liked it or not. I guess that was his way of thinking if I was involved I wouldn’t say anything.

After that summer, I thought I was going back home but I moved to Mesa with my Aunt. I never lived with my dad again…..

During my 8^th grade, I got drunk and was violated by some guys. My aunt sent me to a group home to get help, from there they sent me to phoenix memorial hospital and then back to tumbleweed group home. Then they flew me to Wisconsin to live at my first foster home. From there I went to shelter care until they found a place for me which was Silver Crest Group Home. I was there six months. At the end of my stay I could have gone home to live with my mom but she told me she didn’t want me. I was so stress out that I went to tell my counselor and I past out in her arms. So then they sent me to Oshkosh receiving home, I was there for a short time before I had stolen a car and took off to Illinois with two other people. We turned ourselves in to the police and that’s how I ended up in jail. I spent time at Cook County Juvenile Delinquent Center. Then they shipped me to Winnebago Jail where I would spend a few months. I was 14.  I had to pay restitution and I was on probation until I was 18. After jail I was sent back to Shelter Care, it’s a place where they hold you until the system can figure out what to do with you. And that was the cycle, I was going from place to place. I started to run away, sometimes for weeks before I was caught. I started using drugs and drinking. I went to drug rehab 4 times. When I was 17 my mom divorced Mac. She moved into her own apartment and I moved in with her. Not long after, my best friend committed suicide, which we had planned to do together. I tried to take my life days after the funeral and ended up in Winnebago Mental Institution for three months.  I did return back to my mom’s but only for a couple of months, I was pregnant and my mom kicked me out of the house.  At 17 years old, I was pregnant, I suffered from terrible anxiety attacks, I dropped out of school, got a full time job and moved in with someone who had an ad in the paper.

I was told to get an abortion. I made the decision to place my baby up for adoption. I always say that was the hardest decision I ever made.  It was an open adoption and I’m truly blessed to be a part of his life, Dan and Brenda have been so good to me. But I had a tremendous amount of guilt and I still to this day struggle with the choice I made. I use to drive past their house in the middle of the night looking at Nick’s bedroom window. When he was around one, the pain of not having him was so overwhelming I took a 44 magnum to my head and almost took my life but I heard that soft still voice telling me, hold on, it’s going to be alright…..

Satan wanted to come steal, kill and destroy me. He tried all his crafty little tactics but Yahushua took my burden, my hurt and my tears upon Himself. There is a reason He came to live and die for us! I can honestly tell you when I think about my past, it doesn’t even feel like that was me, Yahweh worked on my heart to forgive and the pain was released when I began to rest in His presence and I realized how much I’m loved.

Yahweh’s love is so deep…. It’s so deep. It’s more than I can comprehend, it’s so real.

He loves us, look around….. His beauty is everywhere and we can read it in His Word and feel it when we worship Him.

If you’re struggling with your past or maybe you’re currently going through a difficult time, I would encourage you to start seeking Yahweh with all your heart, soul and strength. Daily read His Word and talk to Him. Don’t let the enemy have a foot hold over your life.

Did you not know? Have you not heard? The everlasting Elohim, Yahweh, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint and to those who have no might. He increases strength. Even youth shall faint and be weary and young men stumble and fall. But those who wait on Yahweh renew their strength, they raise up the wing like eagles, they run and not weary, they walk and do not faint.  Isaiah 40:28:31

We were made to Worship Yahweh, to believe in His Son Yahushua who already won the victory! We are children of the Most High King! We have an expectancy and a hope in Messiah.  A Hope for our future! HalleluYah!

Thank you for reading my post. I hope you can see that no matter what you go through in this life that there is freedom in letting go and placing your life in the Father's Hand.

Until my next entry, Yahweh bless you!