My time was
up at the group home and the state wouldn’t allow me to move back with my dad,
so I called my mom from the client’s phone in the hallway to see if I could
stay with her and my step dad. It was evening and I had the phone in my hand
standing up against the wall, I didn’t sit on the bench, I was too nervous. “Mom
my six months are up here and I wanted to know if I could come live with you?” I
asked. And my mom replied, “No Tara, find somewhere else. Can’t your dad take
you?”
I remember I
had such a lump in my throat, I just wanted to burst into tears over the phone
but I didn’t. I went downstairs by Alice, one of the counselors there. I told
her what happened and she gave me a hug. As I was in her arms I told her I felt
dizzy and she said that’s ok I’ve got ya, and that’s the last thing I remember
before I went down and fainted. I was only out for a few seconds but to me it
seemed like hours.
My heart was
so broken, feeling lost, alone and unloved…. No one is ever going to want me.
This was one
of my most painful memories…
When I was a
young adult, I asked Margie to help me work through my past. I choose her because
she was my Sunday school teacher when I was a child and I remember feeling so
loved by her. I couldn’t read well and she had such patience with me. And that
really meant a lot because I still couldn’t read in the third grade and I was
teased even by my teachers at school and I never felt judged by her.
We only met
once but in that one session, I had a breakthrough. She ask me to recall a
difficult memory and this one was it, that painful phone call of rejection. We
went through a series of steps. Prayer and forgiveness but what took that deep
wound away was when she asked me to go back into the memory but this time with
Yahushua.
I closed my
eyes and I could feel His tenderness and compassion. He cried for me. He was in the hallway, His
presence was with me, holding me up. I couldn’t see what He looked like but I
could actually feel my body resting in His arms. At that moment when my mom
said no, He said YES, I have a place for you! I want you! You belong to me, you
are mine! I will NEVER let you down. I will not fail thee.
I forgave my
mom and there was a softness in my heart for her, Yahweh put that in me. I saw my mom through His eyes and I began to understand my mom better. She was hurting, because of her own pain she didn't know how to deal with me. Yahweh doesn’t want us to be bitter towards one another. He desires for us to bare
good fruit; love joy peace patience kindness goodness trustworthiness
gentleness and self-control. And I believe the reward is greater when it’s the
hardest to do.
Let all bitterness and wrath and displeasure
and uproar and slander be put away from you, along with all evil. And be kind
towards one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as Elohim also
forgave you in Messiah. Ephesians 4:31-32
If you’re
bitter towards someone, let Yahushua set you free from the
anger and fill you with His love and mercy. We all need Him!
Until my next entry, Yahweh bless you!
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