Worship

When I was around 8 years old I was diagnosed with vocal cord nodule. I had to go to speech therapy and carry around a little clicker. Every time I would scream, yell, whisper or sing, I would push down on the clicker so my parents and the doctor could see how I was using my voice. Sometimes my voice would get so hoarse, I was excused from talking in class which I liked! What I didn’t like was getting a scope down my throat to determine how the bumps were doing. One time there were seven nurses holding me down, the doctor was so mad! He told my dad to just take me home and not come back unless I was going to corporate!

So when I was nine my parents made me quit the children’s church choir. This was very hard on me and I remember so clearly like it was yesterday my last Sunday signing.  As I was singing, it was like someone’s voice was coming out of me from the way it felt and sounded. I remember feeling free… happy and at peace. When the service was over, the pastor and many people I didn’t even know told me I sounded like an angel.

Still today I struggle with my voice, it easily get sore especially if I’m talking too much. I can’t sing certain notes and my voice gets tired quickly from singing but I love to sing! I love to worship Yahweh!

When I go before Him, I can get completely lost in His presence. It doesn’t matter if I’m in a room of hundreds of people, it feels like it’s just me and Him. Time has no beginning and no end. I’m like a small child wanting my daddy to know just how much I love Him.

Before I enter into worship and praise, I do a spiritual evaluation… my desire is that I’m washed clean so that I can give my whole heart to Him. Sometimes I’m broken… but most times I’m in awe of the Father’s majesty, His kindness, compassion and love He has for His children.

Worship is not about how it makes us feel, it’s about honoring our King. But because we can humble ourselves before Him and pour out our love, He allows us to experience an intimacy with Him that is unbelievably incredibly.

Seek Him and you will find Him, the more you find Him, the more you’ll love Him.

Yet a time is coming and now has come when the true worshippers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in the Truth, for they are the kind of worshippers the Father seeks. Yahweh is Spirit, and His worshippers must worship in the Spirit and in Truth. John 4:23-24.

Yahushua's Presence in The Pain

My time was up at the group home and the state wouldn’t allow me to move back with my dad, so I called my mom from the client’s phone in the hallway to see if I could stay with her and my step dad. It was evening and I had the phone in my hand standing up against the wall, I didn’t sit on the bench, I was too nervous. “Mom my six months are up here and I wanted to know if I could come live with you?” I asked. And my mom replied, “No Tara, find somewhere else. Can’t your dad take you?”

I remember I had such a lump in my throat, I just wanted to burst into tears over the phone but I didn’t. I went downstairs by Alice, one of the counselors there. I told her what happened and she gave me a hug. As I was in her arms I told her I felt dizzy and she said that’s ok I’ve got ya, and that’s the last thing I remember before I went down and fainted. I was only out for a few seconds but to me it seemed like hours.

My heart was so broken, feeling lost, alone and unloved…. No one is ever going to want me.

This was one of my most painful memories…

When I was a young adult, I asked Margie to help me work through my past. I choose her because she was my Sunday school teacher when I was a child and I remember feeling so loved by her. I couldn’t read well and she had such patience with me. And that really meant a lot because I still couldn’t read in the third grade and I was teased even by my teachers at school and I never felt judged by her.

We only met once but in that one session, I had a breakthrough. She ask me to recall a difficult memory and this one was it, that painful phone call of rejection. We went through a series of steps. Prayer and forgiveness but what took that deep wound away was when she asked me to go back into the memory but this time with Yahushua.

I closed my eyes and I could feel His tenderness and compassion. He cried for me. He was in the hallway, His presence was with me, holding me up. I couldn’t see what He looked like but I could actually feel my body resting in His arms. At that moment when my mom said no, He said YES, I have a place for you! I want you! You belong to me, you are mine! I will NEVER let you down. I will not fail thee.

I forgave my mom and there was a softness in my heart for her, Yahweh put that in me. I saw my mom through His eyes and I began to understand my mom better. She was hurting, because of her own pain she didn't know how to deal with me. Yahweh doesn’t want us to be bitter towards one another. He desires for us to bare good fruit; love joy peace patience kindness goodness trustworthiness gentleness and self-control. And I believe the reward is greater when it’s the hardest to do.

Let all bitterness and wrath and displeasure and uproar and slander be put away from you, along with all evil. And be kind towards one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as Elohim also forgave you in Messiah. Ephesians 4:31-32

If you’re bitter towards someone, let Yahushua set you free from the anger and fill you with His love and mercy.  We all need Him!

Until my next entry, Yahweh bless you!

Letting Go

I’m sharing this next entry with you because there are those out there that can relate to my story and I want you to know that Yahweh through His Son Yahushua can bring healing and deliverance. It wasn’t until I surrendered completely to the will of Yahweh that I was free from depression, guilt, shame, fear, and anger.

I would like for you to listen to this song.  

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=loved%2fby+jj+heller&FORM=VIRE3#view=detail&mid=D9FC2E067BC8C987E2C7D9FC2E067BC8C987E2C7

I feel like this is me. I did lose out on my childhood and my innocents was taken from me. I was abandoned and neglected by most my family BUT because I have faith in Yahweh and believe that His plan is bigger for me, I could let it all go. At some point you just have to acknowledge your pain so the enemy can’t keep you in oppression. Freedom does come by letting go and opening up your heart to the Father’s love. I couldn’t do it without Him. I need Him and I need Messiah. And I am loved!

So here we go…..

At one time and as crazy as it was; my mom’s first marriage she had four children; Mike, Randy, Todd and Connie, then she married my dad and had Pam and me. Last she married Mac, he already had four children; Dan, Maureen, Theresa and Jeanne. My Dad married Julie, she had Frankie and Aaron from her second marriage, when she married my dad, they had Kimberly.  That made 13 of us!

My dad had custody of my sister and me. I have very fond memories of living with my dad before he married Julie. He was a truck driver so we had the opportunity to travel with him. I remember being in the warehouse with my dad, he would give us a ride on the forklift, we really enjoyed that! That was probably the only time in my childhood that I can remember joy, peace and feeling protected.

Just a couple of years later I was raped by my step brother and sexually abused by another. I never had a safe place in the house, no matter where I went they would find me. Things happened in the family room, dining room, my bedroom. I had to get something out of the van once and I was even followed out there.  They would torment me by drilling holes in the walls and watch me, there were holes in my closet wall and both bathrooms. I would stuff toilet paper in them only to have them pushed out.

The summer after my sixth grade year, my dad sent me to Arizona to visit his side of the family. I returned home just a few days before entering the 7^th grade and it didn’t take long before things got even worse in the house. I was brought to Four North twice for depression, thoughts of suicide and anorexia. One of my friends reported the sexual abuse to the school liaison officer but I denied it. Not only was I afraid to have my parents find out but I believed the lie that it was my fault.

At the end of the school year, I flew back to Arizona but this time to stay with my sister Connie and her husband. I spent many nights watching them get high with their friends. My sister was so paranoid that I was telling on her, she slapped me across the face once. I was 12. When Larry thought I was going to turn them in, he sat me down on the couch and told me that I was going to get high whether I liked it or not. I guess that was his way of thinking if I was involved I wouldn’t say anything.

After that summer, I thought I was going back home but I moved to Mesa with my Aunt. I never lived with my dad again…..

During my 8^th grade, I got drunk and was violated by some guys. My aunt sent me to a group home to get help, from there they sent me to phoenix memorial hospital and then back to tumbleweed group home. Then they flew me to Wisconsin to live at my first foster home. From there I went to shelter care until they found a place for me which was Silver Crest Group Home. I was there six months. At the end of my stay I could have gone home to live with my mom but she told me she didn’t want me. I was so stress out that I went to tell my counselor and I past out in her arms. So then they sent me to Oshkosh receiving home, I was there for a short time before I had stolen a car and took off to Illinois with two other people. We turned ourselves in to the police and that’s how I ended up in jail. I spent time at Cook County Juvenile Delinquent Center. Then they shipped me to Winnebago Jail where I would spend a few months. I was 14.  I had to pay restitution and I was on probation until I was 18. After jail I was sent back to Shelter Care, it’s a place where they hold you until the system can figure out what to do with you. And that was the cycle, I was going from place to place. I started to run away, sometimes for weeks before I was caught. I started using drugs and drinking. I went to drug rehab 4 times. When I was 17 my mom divorced Mac. She moved into her own apartment and I moved in with her. Not long after, my best friend committed suicide, which we had planned to do together. I tried to take my life days after the funeral and ended up in Winnebago Mental Institution for three months.  I did return back to my mom’s but only for a couple of months, I was pregnant and my mom kicked me out of the house.  At 17 years old, I was pregnant, I suffered from terrible anxiety attacks, I dropped out of school, got a full time job and moved in with someone who had an ad in the paper.

I was told to get an abortion. I made the decision to place my baby up for adoption. I always say that was the hardest decision I ever made.  It was an open adoption and I’m truly blessed to be a part of his life, Dan and Brenda have been so good to me. But I had a tremendous amount of guilt and I still to this day struggle with the choice I made. I use to drive past their house in the middle of the night looking at Nick’s bedroom window. When he was around one, the pain of not having him was so overwhelming I took a 44 magnum to my head and almost took my life but I heard that soft still voice telling me, hold on, it’s going to be alright…..

Satan wanted to come steal, kill and destroy me. He tried all his crafty little tactics but Yahushua took my burden, my hurt and my tears upon Himself. There is a reason He came to live and die for us! I can honestly tell you when I think about my past, it doesn’t even feel like that was me, Yahweh worked on my heart to forgive and the pain was released when I began to rest in His presence and I realized how much I’m loved.

Yahweh’s love is so deep…. It’s so deep. It’s more than I can comprehend, it’s so real.

He loves us, look around….. His beauty is everywhere and we can read it in His Word and feel it when we worship Him.

If you’re struggling with your past or maybe you’re currently going through a difficult time, I would encourage you to start seeking Yahweh with all your heart, soul and strength. Daily read His Word and talk to Him. Don’t let the enemy have a foot hold over your life.

Did you not know? Have you not heard? The everlasting Elohim, Yahweh, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint and to those who have no might. He increases strength. Even youth shall faint and be weary and young men stumble and fall. But those who wait on Yahweh renew their strength, they raise up the wing like eagles, they run and not weary, they walk and do not faint.  Isaiah 40:28:31

We were made to Worship Yahweh, to believe in His Son Yahushua who already won the victory! We are children of the Most High King! We have an expectancy and a hope in Messiah.  A Hope for our future! HalleluYah!

Thank you for reading my post. I hope you can see that no matter what you go through in this life that there is freedom in letting go and placing your life in the Father's Hand.

Until my next entry, Yahweh bless you!

A Love That Never Left

I remember as a small child, maybe around 6 years old; learning the prayer that Yahushua taught us in Matthew 6:9-13. I was so excited standing in the last pew of a Catholic Church with my mom and step dad who brought us there that one time, if I can recall correctly. My sister Pam and I practically yelling out that prayer we memorized in a Methodist church we attended with our dad. People were turning around giving us the look to be quiet but we continued with smiles on our faces right down to the Amen!

I share that story with you because by this time in my young life I had already experienced my parents’ divorce, my mom’s addiction to alcohol and sexual abuse. But yet I had such love for the Word and I may not have understood what that prayer meant but I felt Him. I felt His joy and a love I couldn’t explain but I knew it existed, a love I so desperately longed for and needed.

I was in the third grade when I received my first bible from Pastor R.A. Pegrim. He wrote inside “God will richly bless you as you read His Word.” I didn’t understand what that meant at the time but I do now. The blessing comes out of obedience, trusting and obeying His Word. Reading the bible has shown me my purpose for living. It’s not to live a perfect life without trials. Those times in life when we are hurting, in pain or humbled by our mistakes, is when our Father is molding us to be more like him. We have a choice; we can draw closer or further away from Yahweh. We can blame Him or depend on Him for His help. Yahweh didn’t want me to be sexually abused but we live in a world where there is freedom to sin. He didn’t stop it but He challenged me to find the gifts He created in me when I felt at my lowest, to know His goodness even in the process of dealing with my pain. I am a follower of Yahushua, I can’t really find in the scriptures where the believers had an easy carefree life. What I do see is that they found joy in all things, no matter what the circumstances.

Back in 1985, three years after I received my bible, I wrote in the front page that I was going to read it every day and even though I broke that promise, what amazes me to this day is that I still have that bible! That bible has traveled with me to many homes and different destinations throughout my youth, even when I spent time in jail. More to come on that story but it has reminded me that no matter what I’ve been through, Yahweh loves me and He will not leave me as long as I’m seeking Him.

As I share my life story and attempt to express my thoughts, some good, some painful but I pray that you can see Yahweh was there, always with me. His love never left me. He hasn't left you either. Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you!

Cast your burden on Yahweh, and let Him sustain you; He never allows the righteous to be shaken. Psalms 55:22

Until my next entry, Yahweh bless you!